Do you guys watch Keeping Up with The Duggars? It’s really called 19 Kids and Counting, but we may as well call it The Relentless Vagina, because that vagina is like John Giambi: 43 years old, used up and should have retired a while ago. And no, I do not know who John Giambi is – I just googled “athletes who should retire.”
Hello, and welcome to the first post of 2015. I promise there will be no more mention of vaginas from here on. Today’s post is about my stint in
rehab Bible Camp! At the ripe age of 10, my parents decided to enroll me in Vacation Bible School. At this point, my knowledge of The Good Book was all acquired from a TV show called VeggieTales. The show follows a band of singing vegetables as they tell stories and and sing songs about the Bible and arbitrary things like not being able to find your hairbrush(my favorite song sung by Larry…I could relate most to Larry the Cucumber because he was silly, energetic, and shaped like a cucumber.
Jokes aside, my first experience as a Bible Camper I enjoyed wholeheartedly. It was just like any other summer camp, consisting of days spent playing games, singing songs, and arts and crafts. The only difference was that at Bible camp said activities had a Biblical reference or theme attached to them. I made new friends or “disciples” as I referred to them and learned some neat things about the man upstairs along the way. Clearly I did not take the 10 Commandments seriously because I continued to lie compulsively even during Bible camp. I went to Bible Camp for a couple summers.
I decided to take my talents to the big leagues: a Bible camp for the elite called AWANA. AWANA which stands for Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed is a evangelical nonprofit organization whose mission is to help “churches and parents worldwide raise children and youth to know, love and serve Christ” (Wikipedia). This was essentially a Bible Boot Camp. It took place after school for a couple hours. “AWANA” know how many days I lasted? One. I spent the entire first day struggling to pass the first level which was to memorize a single Bible scripture. I could barely read and this chick wants me to memorize a Bible scripture word for word? It was at least ten lines long and contained a lot of archaic words like and a hast, hath and unto, and whenever I messed up the woman quizzing me made me start from the beginning. This went on for two hours until I was forced to sit through an awards ceremony for the amazingly gifted kids who had advanced to a higher level. I felt like SUCH a failure. “I’m never going back to AWANA, NEVER!!” is what I wish I had yelled, Billy Madison style, when the ceremony ended.
God is Love,
Rev Run and Tina