Directionally Challenged

Whenever I visit my parent’s home in the suburbs I always read some of the several hundred magazines they subscribe to. One magazine I like is Fast Company. It’s a fresh and smart take on all things business and tech, and if you know one thing about me, it’s that I like to stay relevant as fuck and that I also use swear words like Lindsay Lohan uses coke: excessively and probably on the set of a Lifetime movie or with Stedman in Oprah’s guesthouse. Anyway, this past weekend I read the December issue of Fast Company which included a feature story on American DJ and Producer, Diplo. Did you know that Diplo is short for Diplodocus? That’s that really chill long-necked dinosaur, FYI.

I also read a story about fashion and technology, more specifically, the merging of the two industries to create fashion with technological capabilities. If you thought cargo pants that zip off into fashionable shorts were cool, just wait until you hear about some of the latest inventions in tech fashion. Designers are creating apparel, accessories and fitness wear that can do everything from monitor your heart rate to charge your smartphone. I’m a pretty practical person, and when it comes to fashion I like things to be uncomplicated and preferably made of 100 percent cashmere…but there was one invention that peaked my interest. It’s called “Navigate Jacket.” The jacket connects with a phone via bluetooth and uses light up/vibrating sleeves to notify the wearer when and which way to turn. I mean aside from looking like a complete jackass, the jacket does have some cool qualities that make it especially appealing to directionally challenged folks like me.

I use my GPS more than any other app with the exception of Tinder and Starbucks. I need to use it as often as I do because my own sense of direction has failed me too many times. At this point even Siri’s like “My Queen, do you really need directions to (insert place I’ve been 1,000 times)?” If I had any hope for my sense of direction, all hope was lost the time my parents came to visit me in Seville where I was studying abroad at the time. After living there for two months, they thought I knew the place like the back of my hand. They thought wrong. Long story short we got really really lost and my dad became really really mad. So, you can imagine my excitement when I found out about this coat. I immediately put it on my Christmas list – right under the Bacon Wave. Fingers crossed that both of those items are under the tree.